Modeling Emotional Authenticity
Incongruence in the environment is one of the main threats/challenges that our nervous system scans for when assessing for safety; this means when the emotional responses of those around us don't seem to match with what's happening in the environment. Think of a time when you entered a room, sensed that something was wrong, but everyone told you that "everything was fine" - how did you feel when you encountered that?
Regulation isn’t about staying calm all the time - it’s about identifying and using the strategies that allow you to stay connected to yourself and your emotions. When children are told by the adults in their lives to "stay calm" when the environment suggests otherwise or adults try to put on a brave, "calm," face despite feeling differently, the confusion can lead to dysregulation. By naming your feelings and demonstrating how to manage them (like through taking deep breaths, moving, drinking water, etc.), you provide a model for your child to follow. Children don't just need templates for calm - they need templates for how to feel and express an entire range of emotions in a safe and effective way, and that's where your modeling comes in.
Addressing Incongruence
Children notice when your words don’t match your actions. For example, if you say “all feelings are okay” but withdraw when they express strong emotions, they get mixed signals. Or if they're taught at school during social/emotional lessons that they're free to express themselves and their feelings but notice they always seem to get in trouble when they feel angry, distracted, withdrawn, etc., this can also lead to incongruence. This incongruence creates anxiety, as children are sensitive to emotional inconsistencies. It's hard work, but this can be an invitation to practice increasing your own window of tolerance for feeling and expressing emotions, as well as being present with them.
Talking to Children About What's Happening
Incongruence in the environment can also occur when there are stressors at home or in the environment that children can sense but they're not named or addressed. Talking to them in a developmentally appropriate way about what's going on helps them process these feelings rather than feeling confused or uneasy. The details you share will depend on your child's age and development, but this can be a chance to discuss how the grown-ups will be addressing these stressors and how adults can support the child in the midst of whatever is happening.
Practical Tips for Parents:
Model Your Own Emotional Regulation: Name your own feelings and body sensations, as well as how you're meeting your own needs (e.g., “I’m feeling worried, so I’m going to take a few deep breaths”; "I'm feeling angry, so I'm going to squeeze and release my hands - that's where I'm feeling the energy in my body going").
Create Consistency Between Words and Actions: Make sure your actions align with your words. If you say feelings are welcome, be open when your child expresses theirs. Children will likely need support regarding how they can express their feelings, as they're often told how they aren't allowed to express their feelings (e.g., telling children they can stomp out their feet or squeeze a fidget when they're angry rather than telling them "we don't hit when we're angry").
Acknowledge What’s Happening: If there’s something big going on, like a family issue or community event, explain it in a simple, reassuring way to help your child understand. Allow them to ask questions, and discuss how you and other trusted adults in their lives will be supporting them.
By modeling emotional authenticity and providing a consistent, supportive environment, you help your child feel safe and develop their own tools for emotional regulation.
If you need support around how to make this work for your family or around any challenges you are experiencing, please contact me here.
- Lindsay Stenzel