The Overlooked Symptom of Dysregulation: Perfectionism

"She's such a joy to have in class!"

"He's such an overachiever-he stayed up all night working on his project until it was perfect!"

"We never have any problems with her. She's just perfect."

These are all phrases we love to hear about our children, right? But what if there's more to the story?

If you've been with Play Therapy Connection for a while, you're likely familiar with the term "dysregulation," particularly a type called hyper-arousal. When we perceive a threat and believe we can address it, we enter a hyper-aroused state, commonly known as fight-or-flight. We've all experienced this state, which might look or feel like:

• A pounding heartbeat
• Struggling to catch our breath
• Racing thoughts
• Feeling irritable or ready to run away at a moment's notice

A key component of this fight-or-flight response is hyper vigilance. This can feel like we must never make a wrong move or choice and must show up perfectly instead of authentically. Recognizing this as a symptom of dysregulation in others, especially in children, can be challenging. Many environments reward children for perfectionism, masking the rising anxiety within these kids and the disconnection from their authentic selves. Over time, this perfectionism can reduce resilience in the face of inevitable mistakes and failures.

So, how do we help our children (and ourselves) heal from perfectionism? By fostering self-compassion, often referred to as a "growth mindset" in school settings. Self-compassion is remembering our inherent worth as human beings, separate from our output, accomplishments, or any other metrics. It is the antidote to the pressures of perfectionism.

Day-to-day, we can help children foster self-compassion by how we respond to their mistakes and model responding to our own mistakes. Reflecting on the expectations we place on both them and ourselves can look like:

• "Mistakes are how we learn."
• "This is really hard - I guess I just need more practice."
• "Accidents and mistakes are how I know I'm human."
• "I messed up, but I also know I can fix it."
• "I'm not the best at this, but I still had fun."

Mistakes and accidents can feel very charged, so it can be helpful to return to our tried-and-true regulation strategies before practicing a self-compassion statement - taking a breath, connecting to how our bodies feel, and naming how we are feeling.

If you need support in responding to your child's perfectionism (because we all need extra support sometimes), please reach out to info@playtherapyconnection.com or fill out the contact form on the right.